The blogs I wrote (apparently for myself)

Interesting. From the quiet hereabouts, it looks suspiciously as if I haven't written a blog here in just over a month. 

Hilariously, I've in fact written several, including blogs in which:

• I analyze how trying not to worry about my mom's cancer means I'm going way overboard in worrying about my cat's bladder stones. This blog was inadequate only in that, in some important ways, its truths are far too heavy for me to hold just now. 
• I complain rather voluminously about the fact that I only seem capable of being disciplined, focused, and directed when it comes to writing for other people, and that, despite my long-held conviction that I want to write a book, I've still never tried. (This blog's sin was being super whiny. I hate whining; I think it has no place in the world. So clearly that one wasn't going to see the light of day.)
• I observe the front porches, front doors, sidewalks, lawn art, and shrubbery choices of various neighbors as I walk around my neighborhood, taking the bulk sum of it as incontrovertible proof that Everyone Just Wants to Make Nice, Happy Lives for Themselves and How Can Any of Us Want Anything but That for Each Other and if everyone's schools and upbringings had only focused more strongly on teaching kindness, forgiveness, humility, and inclusiveness — and if we'd specifically had the wisdom to make clones of Mr. Rogers and sprinkle them about all the neighborhoods of the world — the whole world would be in a much better place. This blog exposes me as the Mr. Rogers-worshipping Pollyanna that I am. Which is fine. But putting such simple longing into the world feels off. As we've now been reminded so many times, to get better, this world needs action — not thoughts, prayers, and idle wishing. 

These vanished stories do tell a story, eh? Yeah, I've had a weird month, and that month has featured a tremendous amount of overthinking. But the publicly blank pages also show me that, these days, I'm just not someone who'll spill it all out on the page. 

Anyway. I promise I'll be back to writing lovely nonsense soon. I also promise that, in the big picture, I'm fine. In fact I'm happy, blessed, and lucky. (Despite the fact that, last night, I may have inadvertently dropped my phone in the toilet.)

To be clear, I don't fancy that my lack of posting has had a negative impact on any lives beyond my own. Mostly, this blog(?) is a virtual post-it note reminder-to-self to find some things I'm willing to share — and write about those instead, giving my inner monologue a much-needed break.